Test of Will

I'm getting to that point of where my will could be broken. That being said, I feel that I have quite a big resistance, but recently things have not been going as well.

I have a certain amount of expectations of which I'm not reaching. That in turn, is effecting my confidence in my plays, and I'm still finding out a lot of leaks even at this stage of the game. I'm a perfectionist. So maybe I'm emphasizing the leaks as being something that is bigger then it actually is.

That being said, last year I pretty much did shit until the last quarter of the year. So hopefully this year can be the same. I have basically tripled what I've earned every year of being a poker player, and if that happens these last 4 months are gonna be epic.

Maybe Jarad Tendler will say all these negative thoughts are not helpful. I love the idea of learning in a process orientated way, rather then through results, but there comes a point where [as a human] we cant help but think of what could have been.

I'm not one to be secretive about my results. In fact I'm a big advocate for free open source mentality over protective secret money patent shhhhh mentality (Wikipedia wins over Encarta all day). But I'm pretty damn embarrassed tbh;

Yes, you've played me and said "Oh, thats Puyan the B.E player. How the fuck did he get a star??lol"

I guess its going upwards... kinda?? lol. My excuse is that I'm learning, I suppose. But how long am I gonna be learning for geez? Note that the first 5k games are STTs. I'm actually shocked at how bad my hand reading skills are, even to this day. That's what I get for simply finding a mathematical shoving "theory" and applying it mindlessly.

If I didn't have other sources of income I would be in big trouble right now. But I cant keep doing this for long, the pressure is on! I did actually move for this reason, but didn't expect such a bad turn of events. Hopefully things will pick up. I've realised that I haven't actually played over 1500 180m in a month, so I'm gonna try and reach 2k by the end of the month, which means 600 games in 4 days.

I know I'm better then this. In fact I have a few coaches who said that to me. But lets see if the results flow... only time will tell. I'm hoping that I will get my love for the game back, because in all honesty I'm struggling badly to get up and want to play.